tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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