i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
im holly from the hills drunk
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
