You're my little dorito
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
where are my eyebrows?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
