You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
