i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
