I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
