the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
