I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
