Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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