I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
