I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Say something about gay babies.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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