i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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