I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
