dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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