I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
dude i'm inner monologue high
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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