Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
