do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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