I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
