If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
my poor anus
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
