no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
