Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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