My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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