I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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