there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
