Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
