i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Randomize
