Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
