Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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