Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
