my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
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