Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
