I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize