sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
We need to get me chipped asap
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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