Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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