My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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