Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Randomize
