So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
