Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
