I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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