To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
