I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
