I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
