If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
