so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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