she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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