I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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