make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
