Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
