I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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