I think I won the penis lottery.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Randomize
